Friday, December 2, 2011

In between being and becoming.

I like to post photos on my blog, but not usually things that I write. I am going to try to write more. Just because. Here is a journal entry from September after the week that we saw Bon Iver in concert on a Friday night and then Bright Eyes in concert on a Wednesday night.

In between being and becoming.

On being.
Friday night, Bon Iver. As the sound reverberates throughout the theater, the music brings tears to my eyes. I can't quite figure out why. I think about where I'm at in life, the current season I am living in. I'm a high school teacher, and despite feeling like a failure during so many moments throughout the day, I think I am doing what I am supposed to be. I don't know that there is exactly a "supposed to be doing" for my life or a clear purpose out there for me, but I do know that being a teacher aligns with something in my being in a way that gives me hope and purpose despite the daily frustration and doubt. It makes me feel a part of something bigger than myself. It makes me feel like I make a difference in this world, even if the difference may only be a small imprint on the lives of a few.

On becoming.
Wednesday night, Bright Eyes. It is late on a school night, and I am surrounded by people who are mostly younger than me. It's hot, and everyone seems to be sweating, their tight hipster clothes sticking to their bodies. This venue is much less elegant, much less inspirational, and doesn't at all speak to my soul like the setting of the last concert. But the energy is high, as those around me belt out the lyrics that resound from the stage. I don't feel at all moved to tears as I did at the show last week, and I am not feeling compelled to reflect on purpose or seasons of life. That is until I see the woman standing next to me who appears to be eight months pregnant singing the lyrics as everyone else is, but looking different than everyone else as tears fall down her face. The lyrics of the song go on, "And the future hangs over our heads. And it moves with each current event. Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain..." And I see my future in this woman next to me, thinking, and even hoping, that I will be in her shoes someday, awaiting the arrival of a child. I am not yet ready for this season of life, but I hope to be soon. And that thought brings tears to my eyes, as I stand in the midst of a sweaty young crowd, thinking about the seasons of life ahead of me and the purpose I will one day find as a mother.

So I found myself this week in between being and becoming. Being who I am for now, a high school teacher and so much more, but looking forward to one day what I hope to become, a mother. And for now, being content with right where I'm at.

Bon Iver & Bright Eyes

1 comment:

  1. This is so beautiful. You are such an amazing woman & you'll be the most incredible mother, when you're ready. I LOVE YOU.